Today my mom told me
that I look like I did
when I was twelve years old,
with matted middle school hair
and face like a wound picked raw.
I saw those photos yesterday.
They were displayed in front of the whole family,
who laughed at the girl
with the lumpy goddess body
towering over her sisters and cousins
shining their baby teeth
shining like new pencils.
I became aware of
every extra handful of me,
every fucking handful I thought
no one would ever touch
All at once, I remembered
that I had once been a girl
who feared nothing more than being laughable.
I am a woman’s body.
I am a cheap fucking joke.
I am a girl who gets hollered at in the streets.
I fragment my reading
in order to look out the
window on the train.
There were God-like mountains
on the other side
and e ach
k ed l
ke t h i
BEING DECIDED TONIGHT I HOPE
BASICALLY MY PARENTS TOLD ME I COULD GO TO BARNARD AND I BELIEVED IT FOR LIKE A WEEK BUT THEN THEY WERE LIKE “WAIT THAT WAS A MISTAKE TO TELL YOU WE WEREN’T THINKING THIS IS ACTUALLY TERRIBLE I DON’T THINK WE CAN AFFORD THIS YOU CAN MAYBE NOT GO ACTUALLY”
AND IT IS TERRIBLE AND I’D PREFER NOT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT BUT WILL DEF UPDATE YOU LIKE TOMORROW
right now it’s most likely between UCLA, USC, and Barnard. I’ll certainly let you all know when I decide!! <3
100 Ways to be Elegant (without depending on a label)
1. Send thank you notes, always and to everyone.
2. Practice good posture
3. Speak more softly
4. Listen without interrupting
5. Wear solid colors
6. Ignore fads, or use them sparingly
7. Have a signature wine that you serve at home
8. Wear only 2-3 accessories
9. Have impeccable manners
10. Read on a variety of topics
11. Maintain a budget
12. Study the arts
13. Have one signature perfume/cologne
14. Show restraint in expressing anger
15. Learn the art of conversation
16. Learn French
17. Wear a trench coat
18. Learn how to wear a scarf
19. Wear a tuxedo, when one is called for
20. Practice quality over quantity
21. Don’t yell or scream
22. Learn to dance the waltz
23. Have one fabulous signature meal you serve guests
24. Remember birthdays
25. Go on picnics
26. Wear dresses/suits more often, and on dates
27. Simplify your life, your home and your calendar
28. Wear pearls
29. Open the door for ladies
30. Let him open the door for you
31. Remember that it’s more important to be kind than it is to be right
32. Serve coffee or tea after meals
33. Arrive exactly on time
34. Don’t complain
35. Dress to travel
36. Be well travelled
37. If you’re a women, don’t wear black shoes between Memorial Day and Labor Day…wear spectator pumps instead
38. Keep your home clean and uncluttered
39. When guests stay over, put a small pitcher and glass for water on their nightstand, along with a book they might enjoy
40. Learn how to host a small dinner party
41. Have one subdued solid color scheme throughout your home, use accessories to add color
42. Learn how to make the perfect martini
43. Learn how to tie both a regular tie and a bow tie (whether you’re a man or a woman)
44. Be a lady or a gentleman at work, especially when delivering a difficult message or when tempers flare
45. Wear lovely/handsome hats
46. Don’t point out the mistakes of others
47. Wait your turn patiently
48. Don’t curse
49. Chew each bite 20 times
50. Sip your drink
51. Learn proper etiquette for all situations
52. Accept compliments graciously
53. Be quietly self confident
54. Don’t boast
55. Be respectful of others
56. Have fresh flowers in your home
57. Write a letter rather than send an email to those you love
58. Keep your nails well manicured
59. Maintain your shoes and clothing
60. Don’t ever lose your joie de vivre
61. Be well groomed
62. Remember that money does not equal elegance, nor is it necessary to be elegant
63. Wear less make-up
64. Wear well-fitting clothes
65. Spray lavender on your sheets
66. Be positive
67. Learn to politely say no
68. Be concerned with making others feel comfortable
69. Maintain good health
70. Don’t overindulge
71. Hold yourself to high standards
72. Turn your mobile off at dinner PLEASE
73. Wear simple, classic hairstyles
74. Think before you speak or act. Ask yourself, can anything good come from this?
75. Apologize quickly and sincerely
76. Have integrity, even when no one is looking.
77. Don’t speak ill of others, or gossip
78. Always take a gift to your host or hostess
79. Tie a scarf on your handbag
80. Take a clutch in the evening
81. Wear well fitting jeans with either a long sleeve white shirt or solid sweater for more casual events
82. Only wear sneakers for exercise
83. Use white sheets, white towels, white dishes
84. Be sure your clothes are pressed
85. Your car’s horn should say “pardon me, but do you see me?”, rather than “get out of my way!”
86. Overdo empathy
87. Light candles in your home
88. Go for walks in the park on Sunday
89. Give others sincere compliments
90. Understand your own worth
91. Learn how to open a bottle of champagne
92. Dress appropriately for the occasion
93. Do small favors for others, without expecting anything in return
94. Say please and thank you
95. Take the time to stop and listen to others, especially children
96. Take responsibility for yourself and your own happiness
97. Keep a journal
98. Give thoughtful gifts, rather than expensive ones
99. Less is more
100. Savor the moment" (via southerlyhouse)
Let’s play the iphoto selfie game because my hair is accidentally nice and there is no one here to see it and that makes me mad
Mmmm I do not know if this person knows me in real life or not, but regardless, things with Carter are working out. And things with my “career,” or the beginnings of it, are on the brink, as well. I don’t know how things with Carter will go in the future, (especially because we are not dating), and there have been some bad times, but we are still very special to each other and I’m taking care of myself. We’re getting some negative vibes from people around us, but it really is a private relationship and I’m absolutely going to be ok, with or without him. You are so sweet, whoever you are, and I am so lucky to have little mysteries in my life that care about me. Thank you. I hope your holidays were wonderful. Mine definitely were.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, ‘The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
It’s Cool, We Can Still Be Friends - Bright Eyes91 plays
I do not know what to think.
I do not know what to do when someone blatantly does not love you.
Like they say so.
And don’t even feel remorse for it.
What are you supposed to do.
It is Christmas. And I have things to do and finish and look nice for and celebrate.
But I just feel terrified and self-destructive and totally paralyzed.
I also feel like I love myself.
And I am incredibly brave.
I love myself so much that I don’t understand why this person doesn’t love me.
And maybe that is good.
Maybe I am better.
Maybe that is a promise that I will not be destroyed by this.
And that there are better things to come.
But now I am confused and possibly more hurt than I’ve ever been in my life.
Because I tried so hard.
I’ve never tried so hard at anything.
Oh my gosh I never saw this until now so I’m sorry if it’s been a while. Wow. Ah. Thank you so much. You are so kind. I…am baffled. And all I can say is that I feel so blessed to be able to be that for you and that there are people who actually feel this way about me and mer. I am actually a normal human who is mean and snippy and selfish and sad and lazy and irresponsible and every other bad thing you could think of so definitely do not be afraid to say hello x) You are kind. I wish you the best, as well. Truly.